Please Try again!
Help! My Wife Is a Porn Star
relationships

Help! My Wife Is a Porn Star

Patrick Allan, Gawker Media

You've got problems, I've got advice. This advice isn't sugar-coated-in fact, it's sugar-free, and may even be a little bitter. Welcome to Tough Love .

This week we have a man who's unhappy with his wife's career in the adult entertainment industry.

Keep in mind, I'm not a therapist or any other kind of health professional-just a guy who's willing to tell it like it is. I simply want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn lives. If for whatever reason you don't like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . Now then, let's get on with it.

Hello Patrick,

After 20 years and two children my beloved wife entered the adult entertainment industry against my wishes two years ago. We do not have money issues. Great sex every other day. She has a learning disorder and never could excel in the professional world. Looks and a hefty dose of narcissism is all there is. My wife is an outstanding mother to our children. It is killing me that she is willing to ruin our life together... Don't know what to do next.

Lost in South Florida

Hey Lost in South Florida:

On one hand, if you're not okay with what she's doing, then you're not okay with it. That's all there is to it. There are a lot of risks involved in sex work, so it's understandable to be concerned. And if she's having sex with other people things can get real complicated (is she cheating on you or working?). Also, this is going to be hard to explain to your kids, if they found out. If you haven't already, you need to tell her that you think it's going to ruin your life together. If she knows you just can't take it, and that you'd be willing it end it all over her career choice, maybe she'll give it up. Maybe .

But I'm guessing you've already tried that, LiSF, and it didn't work (it has been two years, after all). So you need a different way to approach this. First, you need to stop treating this situation like a relationship nuclear bomb. Outside of this problem-however horrible it may seem to you-your life sounds great. You're in love, you have a decent marriage (with a woman who is a great mother), you have sex regularly, you have no money problems, and two children. I mean, if this porn thing was that big of a deal, you wouldn't have plopped around whimpering "please don't" for two years while it happened.

Second, you need to look at this situation from her perspective. Why do you think she's doing this in the first place? You say it's narcissism that led her to this, but that's not really fair, Mister "I don't want anybody looking at my wife, even if she wants you to." It could be that she wants some attention that you haven't been giving her. Or perhaps it's because she's a little bored with your "perfect" life and wants something more. She's a great mother, awesome, but maybe she wants to be more than that. Her learning disorder kept her from excelling in the professional world and now she's found something she can (presumably) excel at-something that makes her feel fulfilled and good about herself. Dang, LiSF, she wants to be good at something besides just being your wife. And that's okay!

So, instead of asking her to change for you, see if there's a way to compromise with her here. Maybe you can overcome your prejudice against sex work and at least try to be supportive. In return, maybe she'd let you set forth some ground rules that would make you feel more comfortable about it all. For example, you could ask her to stick to camming, ask her to avoid contact with other entertainers, ask her not to show her face in her videos, etc. It's possible she just likes being watched, so maybe there's a way you can address that desire another way (like sex clubs or voyeur shows) so she doesn't feel the need to display herself online. Expand your boundaries here and find out what your real limits are, LiSF, then talk to her about it. I doubt her intention is to make you miserable. When it's all said and done, if you honestly can't muster a way to be supportive in some capacity, you should at least try to help her find similar fulfillment elsewhere. It's obvious she wants something more. Help her find it, or accept her for who she is now.


That's it for this week, but I still have plenty of blunt, honest advice bottled up inside. Tell me, what's troubling you? Is work getting you down? Are you having problems with a friend or a coworker? Is your love life going through a rough patch? Do you just feel lost in life, like you have no direction? Tell me, and maybe I can help. I probably won't make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but sometimes what you need is some tough love. Ask away in the comments below, or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include "ADVICE" in the subject line ). Or tweet at me with #ToughLove ! Also, DO NOT EMAIL ME IF YOU DON'T WANT YOUR REQUEST FEATURED . I do not have time to respond to everyone just for funsies. 'Til next time, figure things out for yourself.

Contribute to LifeHacker

Write for Us

Subscribe for latest stories