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How to Try Mutual Masturbation
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How to Try Mutual Masturbation

Vanessa Marin, Gawker Media

Art by Angelica Alzona/GMG

In case the title isn't clear, mutual masturbation is when you and your partner masturbate in front of each other. I think it's one of the most underrated sexual acts; very few people do it, but it can be one of the most erotic experiences you'll ever have.

Here's how to add mutual masturbation to your sexual repertoire.

Why You Should Try Mutual Masturbation

If you're not on board yet, let me try to convince you. There are so many benefits to mutual masturbation:

  • It's incredibly arousing. There's really nothing like watching your partner touch their own body and pleasure themselves.
  • It's less anxiety-inducing for you. You don't have to worry about whether you're stimulating your partner in the right way. You can just relax and fully enjoy watching your partner in the throes of pleasure.
  • It helps you become more comfortable with your own masturbation. You'll feel more connected to your own body, and more confident.
  • It's something new to try in the bedroom. It's always fun to shake up your old routines. Many people have never tried mutual masturbation before, so it can be particularly thrilling.
  • It's the best way to teach your partner how to pleasure you, and how to help you orgasm.
  • For many people, it's also the best way to ensure that you have an orgasm with your partner. You may not be able to have an orgasm any other way.

How to Get Started

One of my favorite ways to suggest something new is to send this article to your partner with a note that says, "what do you think?" or "I'm curious..." Or you can simply say you read an article online or a friend told you about doing it, and you're intrigued.

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Another option is to just go for it in the moment. Once your partner is fingering you or giving you a hand job, put your hand over theirs. As they move to other parts of your genitals, slowly ease your hand around so you're predominantly the one touching yourself. You can also switch off, letting them touch you for a minute or two, then touching yourself for a minute. Or you can try tag-teaming your body together. If you're female-bodied, you can touch your clitoris while your partner fingers your vagina or anus, or vice versa. If you're male-bodied, you can stroke your penis while your partner plays with your testicles or anus, or vice versa. Or you can be more direct, and say something like, "Want to watch me touch myself?" or "I want to show you what I do when I'm thinking about you."

Toys are another great way to introduce mutual masturbation. Whip one out, and ask your partner, "Do you want to watch me use this on myself?" Then say you want to watch your partner touch themselves at the same time.

Or you can try to get your partner to go first. After spending some time warming up, start touching your partner's genitals. Then slowly draw your hand back and say, "Why don't you take over for a minute?" or "I want to watch you touch yourself." If they seem nervous, let them touch themselves for a few moments, then go back to touching them. Keep alternating until they get more comfortable.

How to Get Over Nervousness

The idea of mutual masturbation can be nerve-wracking at first because masturbation is taboo. Most people have been masturbating their entire lives, but there's still a sense that what we're doing is "naughty" or "wrong." The idea of brazenly doing it out in the open, in front of another person, can seem a little overwhelming at first.

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But this is just socialization. There's absolutely nothing wrong with masturbation. In fact, it's arguably the healthiest, safest, and most beneficial sexual activities. And the sense of the taboo is exactly what can make it so hot. Feeling like you're doing something "naughty" can be wildly thrilling. If you're feeling nervous about trying it, please know that your partner is almost guaranteed to love it.

There are also ways to make it a bit easier in the moment. Try turning down the lights or just using candlelight, so you don't feel so on display. Or watch porn together, so you're not just watching each other. Masturbating together at the same time can also feel more comfortable.

Other Things to Try

Once you get comfortable, there are lots of other ways to play around with masturbation in the bedroom:

  • Play with orgasm control. One partner starts masturbating. If they want to have an orgasm, they're not "allowed" to until their partner gives them the OK.
  • Try masturbating one at a time, and watching each other. This ups the exhibitionistic/voyeur factor.
  • Surprise your partner by letting them "catch" you masturbating in bed at the end of the day. This can also be a great way to initiate sex.
  • Have mutual masturbation be the main event. In other words, have it be the way you end the evening. Don't move on to intercourse or whatever else your default activity is.
  • Use mutual masturbation when you want to have a quickie. It can be great when you're exhausted but still want to connect.
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